Wedding Approved | Step Children at Your Wedding/title> <link href="/css/weddingdjs.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" /> <script type="text/javascript" src="/js/swfobject.js"></script> <style type="text/css">  </style> </head> <body> <div id="wrapper"> <table width="770" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" bgcolor="#CC6566"> <tr> <td width="10" rowspan="3" class="shadowLeft"><img src="/img/background/shadow_left.jpg" alt="drop shadow" width="10" height="30" class="style1" /></td> <td bgcolor="#CD3333"> <div id="flashcontent" align="right" style="background-color:#ff3333"> Welcome To Wedding Approved, Your One Stop Resource For Planning Your Entire Wedding. </div> <script type="text/javascript"> var so = new SWFObject("/flash/home/weddingPros_742x105.swf", "mymovie", "750", "104", "6", "#ff3333"); so.write("flashcontent"); </script> <div class="headerRow"> <a href="/index.cfm" class="header">HOME</a> | <a href="/cfmx/search/index.cfm" class="header">FIND A VENDOR</a> | <a href="/help/index.html" class="header">IDEAS & ADVICE</a> | <a href="/cfmx/vendor/join/index.cfm" class="header">VENDOR SIGNUP</a> | <a href="/forum.html" class="header">FORUM</a> | <a href="/blog/" class="header">BLOG</a> | <a href="/cfmx/newsletter/index.cfm" class="header">NEWSLETTER</a></div></td> <td width="10" rowspan="3" class="shadowRight"><span class="shadowLeft"><img src="/img/background/shadow_right.jpg" alt="drop shadow" width="10" height="30" /></span></td> </tr> <tr> <td> <div class="style3" id="content"> <p class="pageHeader"><strong>Should We Include Our Children in the Ceremony? </strong></p> <p>By Dotti Templeton copyright 2006</p> <p> </p> <p> </p> <p>Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Like most brides, you have so much to think about and plan for. No matter what size the wedding, there’s always plenty for you to do to make your wedding day special.</p> <p> </p> <p>If there are stepchildren involved, you have even more on your plate. You’ve probably wondered if they should be involved in the ceremony, and if so, how. More and more couples ask these questions every year, and part of my job as an officiant is to help them sort through the possibilities.</p> <p> </p> <p>Obviously, your children are a special part of your lives and will be a defining element in your marriage. It’s natural to want to have them participate in a meaningful way. But there’s a lot to consider when you begin to think about incorporating the kids into your ceremony. As much as you might like to include them, it could be disastrous if you don’t consider the following questions.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Question One: Are you and your fiancé on the same page? </strong></p> <p>More than the color of the flowers or what song to play for your first dance, the decisions you make here involve people…important people, sometimes little people. You don’t want them getting caught in the middle of an argument between the two of you. Before you even mention the possibility of their taking part to the kids, make sure you both agree that it’s a good idea to do so. </p> <p> </p> <p>If you and your fiancé agree that you’d rather just keep the ceremony for the two of you, you’re done. But if you both like the idea of having little Johnny or Jenny at the alter, you still have some work to do. Discuss with your fiancé <em>how</em> involved you’d like the children to be, at what stage of the ceremony, and what they might be able to do successfully. Also consider how you want your officiant to manage their participation; for example, by introducing them, having vows for them to recite, or assigning them duties to perform. Don’t feel as though you need to do this alone: your officiant will be able to give you some ideas.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Question Two: What are the ages of the children? </strong></p> <p>If your child is younger than five, I recommend thinking very carefully before giving him/her too much to do, if anything at all. Small children don’t understand the importance of the day or the role they play. They can be unpredictable and pretty moody when they don’t understand (or don’t care) what’s going on. </p> <p> </p> <p>If you’re having a very casual, easy-going event where no body would mind if the child had a tantrum, refused to do what he was told, or dropped the flowers and ran, then go with it, no matter what the age of the child. But if you’re having a large complicated formal affair and the thought of a wrinkle in your gown stresses you out, better to have the children sit with an adult who will watch over them for you during the ceremony. </p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Question Three: How will the child feel about his participation in your wedding in terms of his relationship with his biological parent? </strong></p> <p>By the age of eight or earlier, a child develops a sense of loyalty. That, with whatever input his other parent may be providing about the wedding, could affect the child’s willingness to participate in the ceremony. It may be difficult enough for the child to accept your new marriage; since, whether he realizes it or not, it’s a clear and final indication that you and your ex won’t be reuniting…a fantasy for most children. Add that to the child feeling that he might be betraying his other parent, and you can see it’s something you want to be sure to discuss with your new spouse and the child to help resolve the issue. </p> <p> </p> <p>Depending on your relationship with the child’s parent (the one you’re not marrying), you could ask for his/her support as well. If the parent supports your wishes and assures the child it’s OK to participate, it’s more likely that you’ll have a successful situation.</p> <p> </p> <p>In the end, if the child doesn’t wish to participate, don’t force it.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Question Four: What is the child’s personality? </strong></p> <p>Like adults, children have very distinct personalities. Some love center stage and others would rather hide behind the curtain. Consider the personalities of the children as you think about how you’d like them to participate. Consider how quickly you can make a change in events if the child backs out at the last minute.</p> <p> </p> <p>Recently, I performed a wedding ceremony that included the shy twelve year old daughter of the groom. Although I had written commitment vows to the family for her to respond “I do” to, at the last minute the groom told me that she just wasn’t going to be able to respond. So the vows came out of the ceremony, to everyone’s relief. </p> <p> </p> <p>At other ceremonies, children as young as nine have done simple readings with great success. The child’s personality is as important as his age when considering his participation in the ceremony.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Question Five: Have you given the child enough time to get accustomed to the idea of your getting married before asking her to be involved? </strong></p> <p>This is a judgment call, but in many cases, it’s a good idea to announce your wedding plans then give the child some time to absorb it and get into the spirit of the celebration before asking them to play a role. This will also give you time to assess the entire situation thoroughly before you make a decision. </p> <p> </p> <p>Of course, if the child jumps up and down screaming “Can I be in it?” when you make your announcement you may as well just say yes on the spot, if that’s the answer. No need to go into a great deal of detail at this point, however; in order to give everybody some time to plan what happens next.</p> <p> </p> <p>By the same token, if you want your child to participate and you are also asking adults to be involved, I recommend that you approach the child at the same time you approach the others so. Continue to consider the age of the child and his or her relationship with the other parent as you think about the right time to talk to your child.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Question Six: Have you considered all of your children’s roles? </strong></p> <p>If you have more than one stepchild, it’s important that you ask all the above questions for each as an individual. Then, as you plan you ceremony, consider how each child will view the other’s role…because you know they will. Be careful to assign participation in a way that’s fair to all the children by not showing what might be perceived of as favoritism for one child over the other. </p> <p> </p> <p>If, after all the thinking, evaluating and discussing the roles of the children, either you or the child decides it’s just not going to work, better to make that decision before your wedding day and not force the issue. </p> <p> </p> <p>There are other ways older kids can be part of the day without being directly involved in the ceremony itself. They can be asked to pass out programs or bubbles, mind the guestbook, or help seat guests at the church. </p> <p> </p> <p>Keep you wedding day as stress-free as possible. Remember that the main focus of the day is you and your fiancé and the fact that you’re getting married. If that happens at the end of all your planning, your day was a success.</p> <p> </p> <p class="pageHeader"> </p> <p class="pageHeader"> </p> <p> </p> </div> <div class="style4" id="side_left"> <div class="roundcont"> <div class="roundtop"> <img src="/img/home/tl.gif" alt="" width="12" height="12" class="corner" style="display: none" /> </div> <div style="padding-left: 5px;"> <div id="littleMap" align="right"> You must have javascript enabled to see use this site. </div> <script type="text/javascript"> var so = new SWFObject("/flash/home/allStatesSM.swf", "mymovie", "217", "200", "6", "#ffffff"); so.write("littleMap"); </script> </div> <div class="roundbottom"> <img src="/img/home/bl.gif" alt="" width="12" height="12" class="corner" style="display: none" /> </div> </div> <div class="roundcont"> <div class="roundtop"> <img src="/img/home/tl.gif" alt="" width="12" height="11" class="corner" style="display: none" /> </div> <h1 class="listed"><img src="/img/home/hd_getListed.jpg" alt="Get Listed Now!" width="187" height="27" /></h1> <p>Do you provide wedding services? 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